Ladies and gentlemen, the time has come. Somehow, someway, we've almost made it to the end of the NFL season with only a few reschedules. While the world burns to ash all around it, the NFL's third best weekend of the year kicks off on Saturday. Let's take a quick n' dirty look at the slate and I'll provide you with my picks, guaranteed* to make you some serious coin.

*Editor's Note: "Guaranteed" is defined as "anywhere between unlikely and somewhat likely*

Rams @ Packers
4:05pm, FOX
GB -6.5, O/U 45.5

We start out strong with the game I feel has the highest chance to be an absolute mess. LA survived a putrid Seattle offense on the strength of their defense, but their offense looked equally putrid. Unless Jared Goff got a thumb and talent transplant in past week, I don't see much of a path to victory for the Rams. The insufferable Packers and their insufferable QB roll on, much to the delight of their insufferable ownership/fanbase. Take the Pack and the points.

PICK: GB -6.5

Ravens @ Bills
8:15pm, NBC
BUF -2.5, O/U 50

From our potentially worst game to our potentially best game, the two teams best equipped to knock off the mighty Chiefs match up in a must-see primetime affair. Buffalo has looked like an elite team from pillar to post this season, but don't let Baltimore's lesser record fool you. Aside from a three game swoon amid a COVID controversy, the Ravens have been among the league's best. After that 3 game skid, they reeled off totals of 34, 47, 40, 27, and 38. Buffalo scored less than 25 points a mere 4 out of 16 games played. Both teams enjoyed hard fought victories in the Wildcard round and the game should be close enough to take the Ravens with the points (though I'd like a 3.5 a lot more than 2.5), but the surest best of the match is the total. The points are a 'comin.


Browns @ Chiefs
3:05pm, CBS
KC -10, O/U 57.5

Now here's an interesting one. After we as a nation came to grips what we had just witnessed (Ben Roethlisberger weeping on the sideline after being savaged by the Browns, which I've come to grip as hilarious), we now need to reckon with the fact that a professional football team from Cleveland is one win away from being one win away from their first Super Bowl. But the slowly rotting corpse of the Steelers isn't on the other's the defending champions, the Pat and Andy Show, the Patriots but cooler...The Kansas City Chiefs. Vegas clearly has no faith in the Browns with a double digit spread, so expect plenty of underdog energy from their sideline again. Is it enough to tackle the mighty Mahomes on a quest for ring number 2? No. Is it enough for a infuriating late game backdoor cover? Oh you betcha.

PICK: Browns +10

Buccaneers @ Saints
6:40pm, FOX
NO -3, O/U 52

And finally, the Silver Alert Bowl. An aging QB who's spent his entire career as a villain. An aging QB who's spent his entire career beloved. Exciting young weapons on both sides, coaches who aren't shy about telling you exactly how they feel...every ingredient for some good old fashioned NFL magic is wrapped up in this one. The Bucs are 0-2 this year against the Saints, so logic dictates we can expect that continue. But as we know, it's hard to beat any team 3 times, especially when that team is QBed by Mr. School Picture Day Hair, Mr. Kiss My Son On the Mouth, Mr. Greatest QB of all time: Tom Brady. And I'll admit it...there's something about Tom Brady the Buc that I like. I feel like over the past 5 years or so, we've gotten countless news stories that make it very clear that Tom is a deeply weird man and there's something about that that I've always found to be charming in athletes. And on the opposite side of that...I hate Drew Brees. I've always hated Drew Brees. People try to paint him as this aw shucks man of the people, but come on. At 42 years old, he's defying nature's law and continuing to do incredible athletic feats. Let's not pretend that he brings his lunchpail to practice and goes home to a newspaper and a pair of slippers. These guys are the best of the best, the elite. To get to that level, you need some degree of disconnection from "regular life." And who's more disconnected from regular life than borderline alien Terrific Tom Terrific. Ahoy mateys!


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