I saw a tweet a few days ago that has been stuck in my brain ever since. I've argued with co-workers, I've argued with my wife, I've argued with myself.

Here's your scenario: you're trapped in the Pine Barrens, and are presented with the following sets of creatures. You can pick two of them to defend you, while the rest attack (the red numbers indicate how many of each animal are involved).


My first impulse is to have a defense made of 5 gorillas and 3 grizzly bears...but then I wonder if a bull could just charge at full speed and smash through my defensive wall. The original tweet didn't define the setting, which made crocodiles much more dangerous than they'd be in the Pine Barrens. Frankly, I think they'd be my first cut.

Here's the biggest issue: guy with a gun. Essentially worthless on defense, but invaluable on offense. It wouldn't matter if I had bulls and lions and wolves and bears on my side, it only takes the guy one shot to put me down. On the flip side, he's garbage defensively against just about everything. He doesn't have a gun capable of firing fast enough to mow down 15 wolves, he likely can't reload fast enough to keep even three bears away...but I can't take the risk of not having him on my team.

Another wild-card? TEN THOUSAND RATS. You probably dismissed them initially, but by sheer numbers you have to be worried. Like the human, they would do nothing for you on defense, but if I kept my original wall of 3 bears and 5 gorillas...that's only 8 creatures trying to stomp on 10,000 scurrying rodents.

In a dream scenario where I could pick the terrain, I'd have to pick a mountaintop or the side of some cliff, and choose the human and the golden eagles. Let the birds pick off the rats easily, maybe even some of the wolves; then let the human take his time and snipe the bigger animals.

Since I'm stuck in the Pine Barrens for the sake of this experiment...damn, I still can't decide! Crocs are out, they're too slow on land to really be a threat (I think). I'm also gonna throw out the bulls, because the dense forests of the Barrens would prevent them from getting to full speed (again, I think). The trees might also provide me with some cover from the aerial attack of the eagles, so let's toss them out. That stupid hunter...I think I gotta take him, just so he doesn't shoot me from 1,000 yards away. So now I have to choose between bears, gorillas, wolves, lions, and rats. Ugh. Alright, my plan is now to hide up a tree with the hunter, and put a mountain of 10,000 rats at the base of the tree. I don't think wolves can climb trees, which basically forces 15 of them to take on 10k rats. Then I let my hunter shoot the lions and bears and gorillas.

What's your animal army look like? Defend your choice in the comments!

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