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Juicy Confessions from Utah Man’s Self-penned Obituary!

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Who can write your life story better than you can?

Utah native Val Patterson (1953 – 2012), ill with throat cancer and on his deathbed, knew he had to get a few things off his chest – but to hell if he was going to rectify the matters while alive! Patterson instead wrote his own obituary, sprinkled with bit of sad humor and chock full of confessions. Now THAT’S the way to go out!

Check it out.

 

From legacy.com and the Salt Lake Tribune:

“…As it turns out, I AM the guy who stole the safe from the Motor View Drive Inn back in June, 1971. I could have left that unsaid, but I wanted to get it off my chest. Also, I really am NOT a PhD. What happened was that the day I went to pay off my college student loan at the U of U, the girl working there put my receipt into the wrong stack, and two weeks later, a PhD diploma came in the mail. I didn’t even graduate, I only had about 3 years of college credit. In fact, I never did even learn what the letters “PhD” even stood for. For all of the Electronic Engineers I have worked with, I’m sorry, but you have to admit my designs always worked very well, and were well engineered, and I always made you laugh at work. Now to that really mean Park Ranger; after all, it was me that rolled those rocks into your geyser and ruined it. I did notice a few years later that you did get Old Faithful working again. To Disneyland – you can now throw away that “Banned for Life” file you have on me, I’m not a problem anymore – and SeaWorld San Diego, too, if you read this…”

 

Patterson regrets years of the cigarette smoking that took him away from his beloved wife, Mary Jane (Irony?). Read the whole thing HERE.

 


HAVE YOU EVER CONFESSED IN A ZANY WAY? TELL US ABOUT IT!

 

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