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Top 5 Tuesday: Stupid Pet Tricks

Every Tuesday, we here at Just a Bit Outside roll out a Top Five list for your listening (and reading) pleasure. Because we use all of our creativity juice on-air, we call this “Top Five Tuesday.” This week, we covered the Top 5 Craziest Things People Have Done With Their Pets

5. The Tortoise and the My Great-GreatAunt: This is a very personal story and I don’t expect anyone to relate to it, yet it makes my list. My great-great aunt (God rest her soul) was apparently a bit of a wild woman in her youth. Now today, being a wild woman means having many partners and using recreational drugs. Back in the 1800s (or whenever the hell Aunt Mae was young), apparently it meant keeping a pet tortoise and walking him on a leash. I don’t know why the leash was necessary…its not like Ol’ Tortimor P. Lexington (as I’ve named him) was going to suddenly dash into traffic. But I guess it was a different time.

4. Three Cheers For Leopards! Hipp! Hipp! HOO-OH MY GOD!!!: Any time a story begins with the phrase “1950s oil tycoon”, you can fully prepare yourself for a whole lot of crazy to follow. This story will not let you down. 1950s oil tycoon Charles Hipp decided that while his oil empire was thriving and his family booming, his life was decidedly lacking in the giant jungle cat department. Being a rich man in the lawless 50s, he fixed this quickly by purchasing himself a genuine lion. The lion shockingly assimilated to the family, and The Hippster decided to test fate once more and bought a leopard. This endeavor, however, lacked a Disney-esque ending and the leopard attacked and mauled his 2 year old grandson. The boy survived but the scars (the physical ones from the leopards large claws and the mental ones from having a bat$#!* crazy grandpappy) never healed.

3. Your Friendly Neighborhood Spinnenmann: This story is far to grisly for me to type on this family friendly blog. Click here at your own risk.

2. Stuffed Animals: When a beloved family member dies, people usually gather together, take one last look at the person, and bid them adieu into the mysterious beyond. You know what no one does? Removes their organs, freezes them, removes their skin and crafts a lovingly accurate stuffed version of Grandma for home display. You know why people don’t do that? Because its terrifying and psychotic. Yet with animals, we think it is totally ok. Listen, I’m sure you love your cats. Maybe if I had known them, I would have loved them too. But I don’t need their cold, dead (and do I mean DEAD) eyes staring at me when I visit your home.

1. Fur Babies: Many things make my skin crawl…men who non-ironically use the word “boning”, 50 year olds who dress like they’re 18, mayonnaise…Also included on this list? People (usually women) who call their pets “children.” And mean it. I’m sorry, but this borders on the criminally insane. Listen, if it were just some mechanism to deal with the sadness of not having children of your own, I’ll give it a pass. Who’s Mike Krenek to judge? But I know folks who have *REAL* children and STILL DO THIS. They call their actual, physical, of their flesh and blood human children their “kids” and their dogs that they in all likelihood purchased their “fur babies.” I have looked into the eyes of people who do this. I truly believe them to be souless. I’ve owned dogs, as many as seven at a time. I loved them all. The only thing (besides the movie Up) that’s made me cry in the past decade was the passing of my pug Maui. But I didn’t consider these dogs to be my children. Because I am a person with sense.

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