Last weekend, I saddled up and went to hardware and department stores to find the perfect set of Christmas decorations. I've always been a firm believer in making your house stand out around the holidays. I've always used my parents hand-me-down decorations and in recent years, they haven't been up to snuff. My house has been standing out alright...but only in the sense of "Hey look at that house with a drunk, handicapped Santa and an inflatable letter J!!!!" So I decided it was time for an overhaul. What I found was baffling to say the least. Don't get me wrong, all the traditional fare was still there. The Santas, the snowmen, the reindeer, the plastic Holy Family. But while walking up and down the aisles, what to my wondering eyes should appear but a miniature sleigh and...a stegosaurus?!? I rubbed my eyes, hoping had accidentally taken some form of acid and was indeed hallucinating...but I wasn't. There it sat. A bright green festive stegosaurus, adorned in a stocking cap and scarf. This is what passes for a decoration now?! As I continued down the line, I found pigs, frogs, Santa Claus in an outhouse, an anthropomorphic M&M, and ELEVEN DIFFERENT VARIETIES OF FLAMINGO. At that moment, I made myself a Christmas promise. This year I am going to drive from house to house, on the look-out for flamingos, dinosaurs, and other such Christmas decorations. When I find them, I will knock on the homeowners' front door. When they answer, I will lock eyes with them and kick them directly in the shin.