Every year around this time, families gather together from far and wide to join hands at the table and give thanks for all of the good things in their lives. Its beautiful, its time-honored, and it makes me sick. I’m not saying there’s NOTHING I’m thankful for (I’m a big fan of WWE Classics On Demand!), but there are FAR more things I’m not thankful for. And its time to share them with you!
Nancy Grace: We get it Nancy. In the Court of Nance, everyone is guilty until proven innocent, in which case they are probably still guilty. We’ve all had enough. I’m going to politely ask you to leave the justice-bringing to, ya know, the justice system. I would however like to thank you for your “wardrobe malfunction” on Dancing with the Stars. The lack of appetite I suffered for the following 3 months helped me lose 10 pounds!
Garfield Comics: I was shocked to discover these still happen. Frankly, I’m shocked ANY newspaper comic strips still happen. But Garfield is particularly offensive. First and foremost, don’t insult my intelligence by attempting to convince me that such an unhealthy animal would survive 33 years. I know this may be painful for some people to hear, but Garfield should absolutely be dead. I also feel as though the writer of said comics has been phoning it for years and I can’t be thankful for mediocrity.
The “Occupy” Movement: But not for the reasons you think. Listen, I always respect people standing up for what they believe in, whether I agree or disagree (Why hello there Tea Party!). But before you go out there with your cleverly worded picket sign and hemp slacks, make sure you have at least a moderate clue. Go into any major city (odds are something, somewhere is being occupied) and ask one of the protesters why they are there. Odds are the answer will be a word soup featuring the following ingredients: Corporate Greed, 99%, tax, money, government, fascism. Ask them to elaborate, and odds are they will ask you what “elaborate” means. My generation has turned social movement into social gatherings. “I am the 99%” is more likely to mean “I am one of the 99% of people here who don’t have ANY IDEA why I am here.” How do I know this to be true? I got an invite to an “Occupy WWE” movement.
Ticks: Miserable, blood sucking creatures. Always remember my words of wisdom: If you ever find yourself in a heavily wooded area, be SURE to check yourself for ticks!