My Application To Be The Coach Of The NY Giants

For Giants fans in my age group, we grew up right at the end of the Parcells era. I don't remember the 86 Super Bowl, but I definitely remember 1990 and 'Wide Right'. The team has been maddeningly inconsistent since then, with those occasional 10-to-12 win seasons popping up in between 4-to-8 win years.

It's time to right the ship! Consider this my application for the head coaching position.

What can I bring to the team? A complete and utter lack of football acumen, which means no other coach would be able to prepare for me! I would run my team like a video game, with the defense blitzing on every down, and the offense throwing Hail Mary passes on the first possession of the game. Flea-flickers? All the time. End-arounds? At least once per possession. Triple-reverses? You betcha. Nothing but razzle-dazzle for the Varacchi Giants.

Also, no punting or field goals or PATs - ever. My Giants will go for it on every single fourth down, regardless of yardage or time or field position. Fourth and 2 from the opponent's 30? Why settle for 3 points, I'm going for it. Fourth and 10 from my 45? Why try the coffin corner punt and risk a touchback, I'm going for it. Fourth and 30 from my own 5? GOING FOR IT. I'm also going for the 2-point conversion after every touchdown. Sorry to Riley Dixon and Aldrick Rosas, but you're both cut.

Saquon Barkley and the receivers are pretty much the only bright spots on this roster. Daniel Jones has room for improvement if he can stop fumbling the ball every other snap. The defense...well, the defense was awful, giving up 30+ points in NINE games this year, and only holding two teams to under 20 (one of which was Washington, who are somehow worse than the Giants). So the Varacchi Giants will clean house on the defensive side, wipe out the coaching staff, and start fresh. Just a reminder to my potential Defensive Coordinators, I'm blitzing on every down.

Are the owners worried about my public persona? I'm certainly not, so we've got nothing to lose! Don't get me wrong, I was an Eli Manning fan and I thank him for winning two Super Bowls, but how mind-numbing were his interviews? Every single week, the same thing, saying "we need to perform up to our ability", "we had a good practice", "the other team was well-prepared"...don't you want some personality? Don't you want me up on the podium calling Doug Pederson a jerk or telling Jerry Jones to suck a bag of D-s? I'll pick fights with the whole league, but especially the NFC East. Let's bring some life to the Giants!

I await a response from Mr. Mara and Mr. Tisch.

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