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In the Cards

I love this time of year very, very much. When the calender turns to December 1st, it is very difficult to make me mad. Very difficult…but not impossible. Unfortunately, every year something comes to my home that gets me to that level of anger I try so desperately to avoid during the Yuletide season. That’s right…I’m talking about America’s most INSUFFERABLE epidemic, the “HERE’S WHAT WE’VE BEEN UP TO!” Christmas Card. Let the record show that I have no issue in the actual, physical card itself. I think it can be quite lovely if executed properly. I’m never going to complain about someone deeming me worthy of a lovely photo of their children with some holiday well-wishes. I feel honored to receive them. Conversely, I feel real, seething anger when I receive the attached letters. We’ve all gotten these…the long missives about what Mom, Dad, Little Johnny and Sue have been up to this year. If you are considering sending one of these out this year, here’s a tip: Don’t. NO ONE CARES. How egotistical and delusional do you have to be to think that people are anxiously gathered around their mailbox, waiting to hear that you’ve been promoted from Assistant Manager to Manager and that your stupid, ugly child has a B average. Another problem I have with them: It seems only perfect families (or liars) send them out. Its always good news, from “Dear” to “From”. Having been a part of the suburban middle-class American existence for many years, I can tell you with confidence that something ain’t right. Where are the letters that say “Hank was laid off and our marriage became strained, so much so that we don’t share a bed anymore. Hank Jr. is one more missed class away from failing out of college and has been spending his book money on marijuana, Stephanie is halfway through her sophomore year in high school and has a 35 year old boyfriend, and Little Tommy just LOVES wearing his mother’s high heels and lipstick!”? I understand that we all want to spread mirth and good cheer during the holiday season, but this is much too much. Here’s something to remember…odds are the people who NEED/WANT to know about the important events of your year know already. The people who don’t need or want to know? THEY DON’T NEED OR WANT TO KNOW. Merry Christmas. Now shut up.

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